Edw einai merika wraia peristatika pou eginan on board kai vrika kapou sto net...enjoy!
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. I t wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and on behalf of all of us at Alaska Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles and we'd like to ask you to stow baggage and bring your tables and seatbacks into the upright position."
-- pause --
"Oh, and folks, I've been reminded to inform you that as you deplane and walk to the baggage claim area, you may notice tons and tons of mistletoe hanging at the gates of our competitors. Don't be alarmed -- it's just there to remind you that when you fly our competitors you can just plan on kissing your luggage goodbye......"
An airliner takes off from Newark airport, the pilot announces, thanks for flying with us...etc. we'll be cruising at 35,000 ft... etc. Then, thinking the mike was off, he says to the co-pilot. "I'm going to go take a dump, then I'm gonna nail that new flight attendant." The mike was on, and everyone on-board heard.
One of the flight attendants is aghast at hearing this and rushes forward to shut the pilot up. An old lady says to her, "No need to run, Dearie, he has to take a dump first."
Chief FA during briefing: "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight."
{round of applause follows}
"So on your way off at [destination], be sure and stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."
I was on an Ansett flight from Sydney to Perth on which something similar happened. As we approached Perth the usual announcement was made about weather, hire cars, baggage retrieval and we were asked to remain seated after landing while the seatbelt light was on. We landed and soon afterwards everyone stood up and started gathering belongings. As we approached the terminal the intercom crackled into life with the announcement: "You were told to remain seated while the seatbelt light was on. You're all very naughty. Now we're taking you back to Sydney to do it again."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Flight Attendant over PA: "If your carry-on baggage won't fit in the overhead compartments, please ram, cram or jam in under the seat in front of you."
Southwest Airlines FA: [said in a very low, slow, monotone, by a male flight attendant] Pushing the button with the picture of the light bulb turns the light on. Pushing the button with the picture of the flight attendant [pause] does not turn us on.
Another Southwest FA: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you have two small children, decide now which you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Another Southwest FA: "Remain in your seat with your seatbelt fastened and your seatback and tray upright until the airplane comes to a complete stop at the gate and we extinguish the seatbelt sign. There are television cameras in the cabin, so if you get up before we stop, your picture will be transmitted by satellite to Flight Attendant Central, and you will never get another bag of peanuts again."
Coming back from Vegas to Austin on Southwest Airlines, the 737 was for the most part filled with business-type suit and tie guys. We were all getting settled, digging for magazines, pulling out laptops, joking, chatting, etc when the flight attendant announced over the intercom,
"Did anyone lose a brown wallet?"
All talking and all commotion instantly ceased as hands instinctively went for back pockets and eyes went forward to where she was standing in the cabin, which was now completely silent. She continued,
"Now that I have your attention, I'd like to point out the emergency exits located on either side of the aircraft..."
Southwest Captain (on PA explaining a delay): "Sorry, folks, but our landing has been delayed by a mechanical failure. The automatic machine that beats up and loses your luggage is not functioning properly and we'll have to wait for repairs.
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
There is a story about one of the first female pilots on a commercial airline in Australia.
They were flying to Christmas Island in a BA146 and had to refuel at Learmonth. The Captain suggested that the First Officer (the female) take it in. She did. It is a bumpy airfield and her landing was not the best. As they taxied over to the fuel, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen I would like you to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by .......... the first female pilot with this airline." She was furious, but what could she do.
They continued to Christmas Island. There is only one runway on Christmas Island and it undulates somewhat. The island is surrounded by cliffs and when there is a crosswind, there can be a nasty rotor to deal with. This time the captain handled the landing and it was dreadful. As they taxied in, the first officer picked up the microphone and announced, "This is your first officer speaking. I would like you all to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by your captain .........."
She looked round. He was furious - red in the face, almost with steam coming out of his ears. "What the hell did you do that for," he blurted. "Well you did it to me," she replied smugly. "Yes, but I didn't press the microphone button."
I was flying to Washington National on an American Airlines flight that
happened to have a run of bad luck regarding delays. After landing
about 1.5 hours behind schedule, the flight attendant concluded in his
"welcome to XXX airport" announcement: "We know you have a choice in
airlines, and we hope that next time your travel requires an on-time
arrival, we hope you will choose ... oh, nevermind."
After the landing of a United Airlines demo ride of their new Boeing 777,
the FA gave the usual announcement: "Please remain seated with your
seat belts fastened until the aircraft comes to a complete stop and the
captain turns off the seat belt sign. To our knowledge, no passenger
has ever beaten the aircraft to the gate anyway, so you may as well stay
put."
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. I t wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and on behalf of all of us at Alaska Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles and we'd like to ask you to stow baggage and bring your tables and seatbacks into the upright position."
-- pause --
"Oh, and folks, I've been reminded to inform you that as you deplane and walk to the baggage claim area, you may notice tons and tons of mistletoe hanging at the gates of our competitors. Don't be alarmed -- it's just there to remind you that when you fly our competitors you can just plan on kissing your luggage goodbye......"
An airliner takes off from Newark airport, the pilot announces, thanks for flying with us...etc. we'll be cruising at 35,000 ft... etc. Then, thinking the mike was off, he says to the co-pilot. "I'm going to go take a dump, then I'm gonna nail that new flight attendant." The mike was on, and everyone on-board heard.
One of the flight attendants is aghast at hearing this and rushes forward to shut the pilot up. An old lady says to her, "No need to run, Dearie, he has to take a dump first."
Chief FA during briefing: "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight."
{round of applause follows}
"So on your way off at [destination], be sure and stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."
I was on an Ansett flight from Sydney to Perth on which something similar happened. As we approached Perth the usual announcement was made about weather, hire cars, baggage retrieval and we were asked to remain seated after landing while the seatbelt light was on. We landed and soon afterwards everyone stood up and started gathering belongings. As we approached the terminal the intercom crackled into life with the announcement: "You were told to remain seated while the seatbelt light was on. You're all very naughty. Now we're taking you back to Sydney to do it again."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Flight Attendant over PA: "If your carry-on baggage won't fit in the overhead compartments, please ram, cram or jam in under the seat in front of you."
Southwest Airlines FA: [said in a very low, slow, monotone, by a male flight attendant] Pushing the button with the picture of the light bulb turns the light on. Pushing the button with the picture of the flight attendant [pause] does not turn us on.
Another Southwest FA: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you have two small children, decide now which you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Another Southwest FA: "Remain in your seat with your seatbelt fastened and your seatback and tray upright until the airplane comes to a complete stop at the gate and we extinguish the seatbelt sign. There are television cameras in the cabin, so if you get up before we stop, your picture will be transmitted by satellite to Flight Attendant Central, and you will never get another bag of peanuts again."
Coming back from Vegas to Austin on Southwest Airlines, the 737 was for the most part filled with business-type suit and tie guys. We were all getting settled, digging for magazines, pulling out laptops, joking, chatting, etc when the flight attendant announced over the intercom,
"Did anyone lose a brown wallet?"
All talking and all commotion instantly ceased as hands instinctively went for back pockets and eyes went forward to where she was standing in the cabin, which was now completely silent. She continued,
"Now that I have your attention, I'd like to point out the emergency exits located on either side of the aircraft..."
Southwest Captain (on PA explaining a delay): "Sorry, folks, but our landing has been delayed by a mechanical failure. The automatic machine that beats up and loses your luggage is not functioning properly and we'll have to wait for repairs.
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
There is a story about one of the first female pilots on a commercial airline in Australia.
They were flying to Christmas Island in a BA146 and had to refuel at Learmonth. The Captain suggested that the First Officer (the female) take it in. She did. It is a bumpy airfield and her landing was not the best. As they taxied over to the fuel, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen I would like you to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by .......... the first female pilot with this airline." She was furious, but what could she do.
They continued to Christmas Island. There is only one runway on Christmas Island and it undulates somewhat. The island is surrounded by cliffs and when there is a crosswind, there can be a nasty rotor to deal with. This time the captain handled the landing and it was dreadful. As they taxied in, the first officer picked up the microphone and announced, "This is your first officer speaking. I would like you all to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by your captain .........."
She looked round. He was furious - red in the face, almost with steam coming out of his ears. "What the hell did you do that for," he blurted. "Well you did it to me," she replied smugly. "Yes, but I didn't press the microphone button."
I was flying to Washington National on an American Airlines flight that
happened to have a run of bad luck regarding delays. After landing
about 1.5 hours behind schedule, the flight attendant concluded in his
"welcome to XXX airport" announcement: "We know you have a choice in
airlines, and we hope that next time your travel requires an on-time
arrival, we hope you will choose ... oh, nevermind."
After the landing of a United Airlines demo ride of their new Boeing 777,
the FA gave the usual announcement: "Please remain seated with your
seat belts fastened until the aircraft comes to a complete stop and the
captain turns off the seat belt sign. To our knowledge, no passenger
has ever beaten the aircraft to the gate anyway, so you may as well stay
put."
